Self-Love as an Act of Rebellion

Yellow Individual, Downtown Portland, OR, 2017

I've been wanting to write to you all for a while now, and by a while I mean almost 6 months. I am still not able to comprehend how ridiculously fast time goes by, even on some days when an hour feels like an eternity.

In the months since August I have been thinking about posting tarot readings, channeled messages, writings about astrology, and messages about an unseen force which I whole-heartedly believe effects us all. Today as I got set up to write, I realized that I really needed to confront my own darkness, which I've spent these months ignoring. So I lit a candle, laid myself down, and did some serious internal closet-cleaning in my favorite way: meditation.

Life is weird.  "I didn't choose to be born!" I find I've said this many times before, usually in a moment of frustration or defiance, and although maybe in those moments I believed what I was saying, I want to change the part of myself that feels this way. I feel I will only be able to do so by confronting the resentment and pain that I hold onto towards others and towards myself. I have to peel back the layers of myself to see what exactly it is that clouds the light at my core, the thing standing between me and everything.

So today, as I attempted to draw cards from 3 different tarot decks, as I did an extensive "life purpose" reading for myself, in an attempt to give everyone an empowering message, I realized, that I need my own help.

I've always been a bleeding-heart type but, being empathic combined with having anxiety, I seem to worry incessantly about what to do with myself, how to help, how to express my feelings, where to express my feelings, how to spread compassion, how to fight hate. And today a message that I believe has been trying to enter my consciousness for far too long, made its way through. It is a message that is so, so important, and yet so simple, in the famous words of the ever-inspiring Ru-Paul "If you can't love yourself how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"

Laugh if you like, or if you're like me,  maybe you're laughing at yourself, because you have been saying this to yourself too, but not really listening.

I hope what I've learned today can help you, and what I've learned is the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't acceptance, it isn't justice, and it isn't letting anyone "get away" with anything. Forgiveness is letting go, because holding on is poisonous. Forgiveness is the realization that you love yourself so much, that you will not hold on to the heaviness of any act that has pained you. Forgiveness is taking all of that love and energy that you give others to lift them up, to yourself. Your health, your mental stability, your sense of purpose and belief in yourself and love for yourself is the best gift you can give to anyone.

When you devote all of the love, admiration. encouragement and care that you give to others, to yourself, you become an even brighter you. And your radiance surrounds and uplifts others, because when you feel good, they will feel good too. And when people see you loving yourself, they will want to love themselves.
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I believe in a world where we are able to heal our own wounds and give ourselves the immense love we carry, that we will realize that we are connected to all others.
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I believe in a future where love wins, where no one questions if they are valuable or needed, where the marginalized and oppressed are treated justly, and cherished and celebrated, a world which no longer allows itself to be divded by fear and hate. I believe for that world to exist, we must start with ourselves. We must love ourselves. We must heal ourselves.

Just because I meditated today does not mean I'm magically healed forever. It does not mean I have the only answer. It does not mean that I know anything more than anyone else. All that it means is I'm trying, and I'm writing to you in the hopes that I can inspire you to try too.

As always my heart is open to you. Comment below, let me know how you feel, leave me suggestions, tell me your story.



Sending you big 'ole hugs,

-C.Lucine

P.S.- For those of you interested in a forgiveness meditation, here's a link to the one I listened to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgQ0fc-_dA0


I will warn you, it involves creative visualization of your self and parents as small children, in need of love, if you feel this may cause you upset, this meditation may not be for you.